My Cousins Request

Recently my second cousin Robin found me through her connection to a supreme being....the internet . I can't remember the last time I saw or spoke to her, but I think it was many years ago at my grandmothers funeral. Needless to say it was a shock at first, as memories of my big cousin Robin filled my mind,some fuzzy , but it also brought back a flood of memories from a whole chapter of my life that I had suppressed for reasons which are unclear to me. Those carefree days I spent with Robin were mostly spent at my grandmothers house, with fragrant aromas abounding from the kitchen and assorted gardens around the house. I remember being very happy playing with my cousin and enjoying all the relatives gathering Each Sunday to enjoy my grandmothers Jewish feast. It's bittersweet to think of those days because as happy as they were for me, Many of the people who make up those beautiful memories are no longer here and that familiar lump in my throat, signaling sadness is present as I write this. I see my NaNa Fina, so beautiful and elegant over the stove, giving my little nubby fingers a flick as I tried to sneak some grilled onions she was preparing to add to the chopped liver. She is gone now. My mentor in life, responsible for my becoming a doctor is gone,ironically dying of cancer. She battled her first bout of Hodgkins Lymphoma with grace and dignity, just as she lived her life. But 20 years later when sarcoma robbed her of the life she wanted to live, she very gracefully and purposely exited life in a peaceful bliss of kidney failure. No drama, just her death on her terms. Now as an Oncologist, I realize how special her death was, it completely reflected her life.....Selfless,caring for others and with the class of an aristocrat. Something her inner beauty always reflected.My grandpa Abe, a pharmacist always coming up with new surprises for me. Some rock candy from his Pharmacy, a bunch of shiny silver dollars,a big grandpa hug always with the great chance for me to rub his bald head. He had a freezer in his basement that was always full of great noshes he got from all his admiring customers and salesmen. Big Salamis , pigs in the blanket,frozen Sarah Lee Poundcakes.....I loved that freezer. In addition to the freezer itself, it was in the basement and the whole room full of all kinds of "junk" and knick-knacks made for a great hiding place with all my cousins and sister whenever we needed an adult "escape".( or it was made clear that they needed a children dissapearing act.) Many others are missing from my painting....my father,which I have few memories of at all. He died when I was 9 , but i just can't remember him,except from pictures. I think this a self defense mechanism.Then their was my Aunt Jean( Robins mother)She had the coolest british accent and the elegance of British royalty...to me anyway.I can hear her laugh right now,I loved that laugh. Between Jean and my mother , they brought a lot of laughs to the house at Buena.
Vista Road.Others who once filled my life ,now gone....Great-grandpa Mark and his cigars.Why is life so fleeting? Were we made to love only to feel the heartbreak of loss? I do know that the losses in my life have made me appreciate life and family. So, cuz, you wanted to know what it is like to treat cancer patients? It's a landscape of emotion,painted on the delicate soul of it's victim.It's often exhilarating,exhausting,joyful,sad,gut wrenching ,draining,lonely and fearful.The victims I speak of are not only the patients but me too.I put my heart and soul into saving lives and when it turns out good,it is really good! But when it's bad , human nature has given us wonderful coping skills,both patient and physician. I realize I can't cure everyone although someone needs to tell my heart that sometimes .But I am always there for my patients, through their journey. Sometimes I can do no more medically, but I can be there , with honesty, compassion and unparalleled caring and kindness . These are my most rewarding patients, full of gratitude for not leaving them behind when times get rough.I strive to be the kind of doctor I want to take care of me and my family. But medicine is changing so fast...the landscape is changing and as hard as I try to keep my brushstrokes going,the picture is getting bleak.We have such fabulous technology and drugs to help our patients, but politics and government are changing it for everyone. It gets worse than discouraging ,it feels like I am pushing a car uphill all by myself....and I see no help insight. So for now I continue to be a team player with my patients...sharing and getting through one day at a time. Karin



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